Alternatives

Here's a definite thought. What am I going to do after 40?

I am not the ZNMD Hrithik Roshan type who decided to work till death till 40 and then retire and enjoy life. I live in the moment, for the moment and with the moment. Being a teacher is a taxing job no doubt, but I enjoy it. The least bit of creativity that I can share with my students, and the maximum of it that they showcase in various fields can be overwhelming in the positive sense. The craftworks they do for various subjects, the little bit of performances within the regular lessons, the loaded amount of smiles, and the mischiefs - they all somehow do not let me get bored for a single moment. It has hardly been 2 years in this profession, and I have a lot of plans for my future in this profession already.

But I have other dreams as well. Firstly, I dream of owning a boutique of my own. It might be a partnership deal where I could look after the creative section, and the finances being managed by the other partner. I am not much good with numbers, as most people who know me already know it. I would like to combine various dresses with appropriate accessories and perhaps also have a grooming section where various ideas of how to use a single piece of clothing in various ways could be discussed by the clients and me. My friends have already unofficially certified that I am good at this - I mean, clothes, accessorizing, make-up etc. So, who knows? I might just do something with it!

I like to sing. To such an extent that one hardly has to ask me twice to sing and I would start crooning a tune. I am often teased because of this, as one of my naughtier cousins thinks that I am always too ready to sing, anywhere! So, may be someday I would like to teach the kids of the locality songs and dance-dramas with other people of similar interests. I can imagine a scenario - a colony, a couple of months before Durga Puja, the kids are being gathered for the Bijoya Sammiloni programme, and some of the women of the colony are deciding upon which piece to choose for the programme. I can see myself among these women, deciding upon the music, the lighting, the choir arrangement and so much more.

This is just the beginning. I have many dreams, just waiting at the threshold, to be fulfilled!

Love in the Time of Death

I live you in my days,

Dream you in my nights -

Stars rush flashing by,

Sparkling the bright eyes.

The buildings crash around us,

And you fight hard to catch your breath.

I stand still and watch - 

Welcome and smile at your death.

You call me "coward",

You call me "She-Devil",

You call me the annihilation

Of purity and life's all real.

I smile as I see the crumbling

Earth swallow you down in hungry bites.

I wait for my turn and make sure

My eyes are open as my heart sighs.

It So Happened

This was a year where things simply went topsy-turvy. Lost a friend to honesty, my best friend got married and shifted to Mumbai, finally let go of a friend who had to be better forgotten, and then I finally decided to get married.

And then begins the process. To create one's profile, to select the criterion, to screen the profiles, to try to find out what I really want in my partner, and that frequent nervous attack whenever I try to figure out how it's all going to work out.

And can one deny the small heartbreaks? I have seen my bestie go through this rigorous arranged marriage process for around two years when she suddenly found this awesome man and then within a couple of months, they got married. I have seen her go through the failures, lose hope and pick herself up. I have seen her making the mistakes, lose her temper and yet continue to smile and survive. And now that I know I'm in her shoes and I will be facing probably the types that she met, and probably many unknown types as well, I wonder if I will be able to maintain faith.

I have been a firm believer in love - the kind that keeps two people together even against all odds and yet want to be with each other in the next few lives too. I had believed that only a love marriage can give me that kind of love, because in arrange marriages one doesn't get to fall in love and then decide to get married. It's almost always the other way round. But now I wonder if I am ever going to find that 'love' that makes me breathe. And even here, I take hope and inspiration from faith. I don't know what this faith comes from, but may be it's just an illusion. May be there's no such kind of love, and we all learn to adjust and compromise with time.

And all these philosophical words come because I am upset!

Of Faces and Of Masks

It’s so easy to assume that you know someone. Know, as in not where they live or what they do or who are their family members. But what they believe in, what their reactions to certain  things could be or whom they would approve or disapprove of. But if that person suddenly changes in such a fashion that they seem to be a stranger to you, then what do you make of it? Did you make a mistake in understanding them? Are they actually so good in camouflaging their real self? Are they confused as to who they really are? Or are they so easily manipulated?

At 26, I don’t claim to be a very good judge of characters, for I am susceptible to “first impressions” and “benefits of doubt”. I may get the hunch that a person is not trustworthy, but I scold myself on being disbelieving at the first glance. However, more often than not, I am cheated by the person or witness them cheating someone. And then I wonder, who is right? The ‘me’ trusting the intrinsic goodness in people, or the ‘me’ detecting the ‘out-of-place’-ness in that person.

For my whole life, or for the last 14years, I have been ridiculed at for being meticulous about my nails, or my hair or my appearance by a certain someone. And now, after being in company with a new person for the last few months, I am rather confused seeing the person completely changed, with stylish nail-art, straightened hair, and makeup that they had always jeered at. So, what should I make of it?

An experienced friend of mine opined that some people are rather brilliant at pretensions, and they make it so believable that they themselves confuse the thin line between appearance and reality. So is this it? All those clever lectures, all those books, all those philosophies – coming to this? Confused pretensions? And should I be proud that at least I have the courage to look into the mirror and differentiate between the mask and the face that I carry? But today I don’t quite feel happy being proud, because today I realize that I have basically failed in understanding the basic nature of one of the people I assumed closest to me.

I still would like to believe that whoever they are, they may be happy in whatever world they have built for themselves. After all, it was my mistake that I couldn’t understand who they are, and I don’t blame anybody for pretending anything. After all, we all pretend. Some of us can identify the face and the mask, and some get trapped in their own web. The latter are the sadder kind, I believe.

"She is my friend. She's my family. My insides"

So, as I am in her home for the weekend - after spending an eventful yesterday with herself and her mother,  shopping more and more in the various parts of the city – and sitting at her laptop, choosing the songs to be played during the various ceremonies before the wedding, I wonder. I wonder when did she become an important part of my life?

I met her more than 14 years ago, and was introduced to her through a girl who went on to be a close part of my life. But this story is not about her. This is about the girl who was not really my friend. She was my friend’s friend. And in the years following, we had been through quite a lot – good and bad. Silly quarrels, gossips, tuition together, being crazy in our own stupid ways. We bonded, and we fell apart. This time it wasn't quite silly. It was serious. But may be one fine morning, I realized that she is more important to me than whatever important reason had forced us to stay apart. It was a tough decision for me to take, but today I can say with immense pride that I had made the correct decision that day to meet her and then visit her place.

And then her family members became my family members as well. Her sister is no less than a sister to me. Her parents know that they have the right to correct me and scold me if and when required. And she is the little part of my heart which is anxious whenever it remembers that she will move to a faraway city very soon. And this time, there won’t be any turning-back-of-time. This time, we are actually growing up and this time I am ready to accept it.

So, who is she? She is the person to keep in me alive a part of my childhood. All of us should have that one person who is not the lover, not the best friend, not the sister – who is the 'soulmate'. She is that soulmate of mine. She is that friend who knows when to keep quiet and when to burst out. She is the one whose imminent absence makes me anxious for I don’t know what I will do without her.

She has found the man of her dreams, and I have never seen her so constantly happy. She smiles without reason. Even if she’s cross at something, if I take his name, she can’t help but break into a shy smile. She is one of the toughest people I have ever known. Tough, resilient, optimistic and practical. But she has this huge warm heart and that’s her biggest strength. She is the real Superwoman!

And when she was trying on the various benarasi sarees last week, I wondered how can the laws of the land allow such a cute doll to get married! Shouldn't they keep her in some glass doll-house, or something? But that’s the problem. This girl, who apparently looks like a doll and loves to get pampered, is a tough cookie inside. She doesn't give up on her dreams and ambitions, even though things might get rough or alluring to some other direction. And does she hold her ground!

I shouldn't lengthen this post any more, for I can go on writing about her, but that doesn't quite mean that I will have written it all. So, Debjani Chatterjee, you are complete in yourself, and you have crafted your own place in my heart among all the other people in such a way that this is ‘love actually’!