Objectively Subjective

It's foolish to expect that one can get away with a breakup without feeling a scratch. I'm not aware of the Western culture where breakups seem to be more rampant than here in India. But is it really so? May be the plight of finding the perfect mate is equally strong in every country. And then, there are always those who prefer their single status rather than complicate the easy life. Or is just the 'sour grapes' psychology?

Anyway, if I've learnt anything from the relationships and breakups that I've witnessed around me, then it's that however smoothly you might want to end it, it wouldn't have broken if it was already going good.

Breakups are almost never peaceful. Any one of the two will try to hold on. And if both are happy to get rid of it, then sometimes whoever takes the initiative feels more powerful. The feeling of being somewhat unwanted doesn't really go away even if the breakup is mutual.

When Strength Becomes A Vice

Let this be a story about a girl, who was strong. And may be that strength became her fault. How? For that, I'll have to tell you her story.

                      Mocking-Jay (The Hunger Games) - Symbol of Strength for my generation's girls! :-)

She loved. Just when she entered college, she fell in love - just like many other girls of every generation - with the guy who showered her with attention all the time. She knew that perhaps he is not her type, for he was the type who would not settle with one girl at one time. And yet, as this was her maiden venture to Love-Land, she trusted her heart. As usual, the guy broke her heart. Nothing uncommon, right? Her reaction was also very common. She cried, and pined for him, and felt sad and sorry for herself. But she recovered. And here was her fault.

Then, after a couple of years, she fell in love. This time, the guy was a really nice one. The ones we girls usually like to trust. He was sober, understanding, caring and matured. She hoped that this will work out. You see, she is the type who hopes eternally for the Prince Charming, just like most of us regular girls. But I remind you that hoping was not her fault. We'll come to that later. And this guy, the good one, left her because they belonged to different communities and he was not prepared to take a chance against his family's wishes. Fair enough. I don't blame the guy, because not everybody can, or should, recreate Ek Duje Ke Liye type romance. After all, the 90's are over, and we have moved on from flashy over-the-top romance to the regular Cocktail type practical romance. The Deepikas still give panic attacks to the careful Saifs and get hitched to the tamed Dianas.

Anyway, now comes the final twist to my story's heroine's love-story. There is this third guy who had been liking her for a long time, even after being aware that she comes from a background which is much different to what he has grown into. The girl was not ready to get into a relationship anymore, because she felt she had had it enough. They had been friend for a pretty long time, and she didn't want to ruin the friendship just to take a chance at romance. I don't say that it was just the guy's fault just because the girl is my friend. As even a mere blog-writer, I have this minimum objectivity to make sure that I give equal justification to every character. But what happened next was that just when the girl was ready to accept this guy's proposal and give it a try, the guy confessed that due to family troubles he wouldn't be able to commit to her. But he wanted her to be his girlfriend for as long as they stayed in the same city.

The girl refused. Any sensible person would. If there is no future to a relationship, why should you go on hurting yourself just to be a part of an experiment?

Now comes the real trouble. The girl has recovered. She has cried a river, dried her eyes, and recovered. And this is not done. Why? Stop judging me to be a feminist, and think once. If you learn that a guy friend of yours has been crying over his girlfriend for the last 3months, you'll say, "Ladkiyon ki tarah kya ro raha hai? Mard ban, mard!!" (courtesy: Dil Chahta Hai). And if you learn that a girl has recovered from a breakup in less than 3months, you will say, "Was she even serious about the guy??"

The girl MUST cry and howl and soak dozens of handkerchiefs to show that she is a weak person who needs a shoulder for support. She can't be the one to support another one because by doing that she'l lose her femininity. She must be the one who goes from one person to another to express her sob story. And if she doesn't conform to these norms, rumours circulate about her that she must have been flirting around, that she couldn't have been serious or else how could she recover so soon? And the guy must flirt around with a couple of girls after a breakup to show that he is macho enough to get over the girl soon enough.

Everybody expects the other person to hang on to the memories so that they themselves can prove to be the stronger one and recover fast. That's a very practical phenomenon. but the trouble begins when the fast-recovering one is not the guy, but the girl. Then it becomes abnormal and unnatural, because we all expect her to stay low and watch crappy sentimental movies and eat loads of chocolate - not because she loves to watch those Suraj Barjatiya movies or stuff herself with Silk and Bournville - but because she is a girl and she must do these to prove that she was in love with the guy!!

This is the general view-point, to which I refuse to conform, and so does my friend. I know guys who are really nice, and support this non-conformity. I am not fighting an anti-men case. Stereotypical views harm men more than they harm women. Even if a guy wants to cry, he will more often than not control his tears. And that hurts. Here is my question - Can't we just be honest to ourselves and accept that the world is not like us and that we are not the ultimate ones? Can't we just open our minds - in stead of merely opening our eyes and ears and mouths - and accept? If we have hurt a person, can't we just accept the punishment, and not be nagging about returning to where we were?

I rest my case.

Stuff that Nightmares are Made of

       

I may not be a strict non-believer in ghosts, but my nightmares usually consist of unresolved issues - termed popularly by the movies as "ghosts of the past". Some are decades old, and considering that I'm just 24, it's clear that I'm an issue-full girl all the way!

Certain friendships gone sour. Works left undone. Silly fights that wasted months of precious time. And so much more. Mostly, it's about things that I haven't said or done. Not always is it about the good things. Sometimes I have wanted to tell a person that he's full of himself or that she needs to realize that the world doesn't revolve around her, but I've just kept quiet and faked a smile. May be it's what courtesy is. Or maybe just avoiding the issues, which ultimately adds them to my list of 'unfinished business'.

And then there have been times when I've wanted to take the day off and get on a bus and just be. I've always wanted to do it, but never really got the final tug to actually do. May be now that I've made it public, I'll do it. Or maybe, I'll just keep it unfinished because if I complete it, where will I find another crazy little thing among the series of 'correct' things to do?

And then of course there are relationships.

[From this part onward, I'll be speaking on a completely non-personal ground, and I'm acknowledging it beforehand so that assumptions are not made!]

Sometimes bad breakups or mutual ones where one of them is not ready to move on. But for most, it is usually the opposite. The call of duty forces us to move on, to continue living the life and do all that we are supposed to do. But the nightmares continue. Not just during sleep, but also the scariest thought - which I've heard quite a few of my friends utter - "What will I do if I happen to meet my ex?" This is supposed to be a real nightmare! And some have to face it, while the others just have to live on the dark side of this fright.

However, I think that the fun of the meeting-the-ex part is that you meet that person who broke your heart, or whose heart you broke, in the most unexpected of places! And if it's after a few years, then you usually realize how silly things were back then! Or you don't. May be you just feel bad, awkward, embarrassed, angry, jealous, or critical. I think I'll have to do a bit of research on the topic - How do you feel when you meet an ex? :P

This was about the not-so-romantic side of romance.

Unresolved issues are all around us. If the previous examples did not concern you, don't worry! The following ones might just do.

That boss who made you feel small but got transferred before you could get the courage to lash out.

The driver at the road who kept on delaying you on your drive to work by taking up the whole road.

Or even the housemaid who left the job without even informing.

[Take your pick]

Unresolved issues are all around us. I guess we forget some by compulsion of life, and some by choice of moving on. Whether or not we remember them all is tough to answer. But some are so huge to be resolved that they add to the haunting part of our dreams...

Happily Nostalgic? Nostalgically Happy!

21st August, 2012

11:30am

                                                                               Some of my cousins
                                                    (L-R - Manimoy, Sanchari. Shankhajit, Me, Monoseej)

Some days are custom-made for nostalgia. Just like today. It's mid-August. The year has been almost rainless. The morning was cloudy. I didn't expect rain, as such cloudy days have betrayed rain quite a few times in the past couple of months. But as the day progressed, it started to drizzle. And it has been so for the last couple of hours. Sitting comfortably by the window of a bus, and listening to light semi-classical music on my phone, blurred flashes of my childhood are crossing my heart.

I grew up in the mountains, but in Kolkata we had our big house with our big joint family. I remember the times when I used to come here during the holidays. My memory of the house is filled with happy noise which gave me, and perhaps everybody in the house, a sense of security. I used to play with my brother and cousins. Because I came mainly during the holidays, such visits were usually made happier with large get-togethers.

The breakfasts, the lunches, and the dinners were all taken at the great big dining hall, all the members together. My Bomma (Borojethima) used to give us tok doi mixed with a hint of salt in small bowls after the lunch.

We played lukochuri, kanamachhi, rumalchor, ikir-mikir and what not!

And I remember the big kitchen where someone or the other was always cooking something or the other all through the day! (We are a happy-eating family, you see!)

I remember having my first phuchka with Dadabhai when they used to come 6 for Re.1!! (It will cost you Re.1 for each piece now :-/ )

And I remember so much more, but can pen down so less, because they have now become my heart's beats. They have become intimate with my breathing that I can't separate them into words anymore. They are only to be felt on such continuously nostalgic days.

P.S. - Dedicated to all my family members who are a part of this nostalgic journey. :-)

I Choose the Change

People don’t always know that they are putting you through shit. And even you don’t always realize that what they have been serving you all along, with the salad of love and sauce of care, was basically shit that has done you no good. But the real fun begins when you realize that you want something different on the menu and decide to ask for it. And if you find, after quite a few requests of re-orders, that the menu is not going to change, you simply stop coming there. Which, in this case, means that you block all the previous communications.

Now, this may seem rather random for the person on the other end, but trust me, you are not to be blamed. If there is anything I’ve learned from my years of being the good girl who knew not how to answer back, then it is the fact that you are not mistreated until you allow the other person the liberty to do so.

You don’t need to take shit from anybody. Nobody is more important in your life than you. And if it’s some kind of guilt or gratitude or even old-time’s-sake holding you down, be brave to accept that nothing is worth the effort if it can’t let you be who you are.

And if you think it’s love, then I’d trust your better judgment to tell you that it’s not love if it ties you down. The person on the other side may not even realize that they are having such a negative impact on you. But it’s your responsibility towards yourself to accept the fact if it’s true. It’s never too late to start over. Never too late to make a fresh beginning. Never too late to start living the way you want to.